| Teenagers killed off the dinosaurs.... |
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Let me tell you the problem I have with evolution. First, I don't have a problem with frogs coming from fish, and I don’t have a problem with birds evolving from lizards. I don’t even have a problem with dogs evolving from scummy divorce lawyers (my latest pet peeve). My problem with evolution is this: How can anyone think teenagers evolved from anything? The whole concept of evolution is that the previous species is inferior to later ones. That would mean, the previous incarnation of teenagers was worse than the ones we have now. I just find that hard to believe. Anyone who has experienced these precious moments of teen-parent angst knows what I mean: • The Look, as in, “I can’t believe you and I are related.” Where do they learn that? It must be in the DNA. How can teenagers all over the world spontaneously know what look to do? Do they go to school for that? What-ever! • The ever-amusing “I hate you, and can you drop me off at the mall with your credit card” combo. Funny how they fail to see the irony in that. • The classic line, “You are the reason I need therapy!” All of this makes it hard for me to conceive of a human-like species worse than a teenager. So, I submit that teenagers must have killed off the dinosaurs. Life in Jurassic Park got too comfortable, the kids grew up, the livin’ was easy, and the world entered the Teenagic Period. A new generation of dinosaurs evolved, the Teenagosaurus. This genus was so self-absorbed and impervious to reason, that the dinosaurs couldn’t survive it. The only way for life to go on was to evolve, because the only thing worse than a teenager, is a teenager with big teeth. The question now is, are we going to survive? For “Surviving The Teenage Years,” click on the artists re-enactment: "End of the species." In this tragic father-son dinosaur scene you see father dinosaur trying in vain to explain to his “evolved” teenage son that if we are to survive as a species, you can't sleep till 2 p.m. The son doesn't listen, of course, perhaps because Mr. Dinosaur is unable to wave his useless little arms in protest. So, in the end, they became extinct.
They like having use of the car, cell phone, etc. And taking away these things is an incentive to behave in a relatively civil manner. There is one caveat to this rule: “Things” to a teenager do not have the same value as they did to a pre-teen. And this is where parents mess up. Parents, for some reason, don’t seem to realize that their precious little bundle of aggravation now has a life. “Things,” as important as they are, are not more valuable to a teenager than their lifestyle. Even the threat of being grounded may not cut it with your average nose-piercing teen. Just as your teen has upgraded their life, you, as a parent have to upgrade your carrot and stick. Whereas in the pre-teen years, computer time, toys and treats may have sufficed, for a real teenager the consequence has to be of a much higher magnitude. A parent needs to take it to what they call in the military, Defcon 1: Show Time.
For a teenager, there is no worse punishment a parent can inflict than “Face Time.” They hate, hate, hate talking to you. Not because it’s you per-se (although they will tell you that), but more because they don’t want to deal. You are, most likely, the only one who points out to them they are not being responsible, and they desperately need to feel mature. So, having the conversation with them about how they didn’t live up to their responsibilities is sheer torture to a teenager. And, if they ever run the country, it will be up there with waterboarding. It’s important to appreciate that the least sophisticated of teenagers, those with no special talents or training, can get out of Face Time with a parent easier than 25 trillion dollars can leave the Federal Reserve these days. How do they do it? Simple, all they have to do is get you mad. They start with the “look” (see above). Then maybe some comments about your personal hygiene, maybe even some juicy guilt-laden moments or stories your mother told them about what you were doing at that age. Whatever it is, it’s a ploy. They know if they get you angry, you won’t be able to do the deed. What’s the deed: talk to them. Calmly. This conversation has to be calm. They on the other hand hate calm, they love shouting and accusations, it’s like a sport. Your average teenager doesn’t want it to be calm, because calm means I have to talk about what I did wrong. So they will try pushing your buttons. They do this so they don’t have to answer your difficult questions. So, my ultimate parenting advice for those entering the dreaded teenage years. If you want to be meaningfully involved with your teenager, you need to be in control or yourself, or… Wait a few million years and maybe the next version will be easier. |
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“We laughed and learned SOOOO much!” – Ashley B. from Rockville |