What happens is this, we say something, they do something in return, a week later we respond, then they don’t remember the original point…. and each thinks “It’s them.” Sometimes this exchange goes on for years, sort of like an eternal game of tennis where the ball is never out of play.
Michelle Weiner Davis says “It takes one to tango.” If you change, then they will respond differently, then you will respond differently to that, and the whole river takes a new turn.
This starts with you. You need a new way of relating to your spouse.
Remember this rule: Never discuss a marital argument with someone who agrees with you. To do so, is like recreating the Titanic, I am sure there are people who still think it was a good design, but the only way to improve is to speak to people who understand the mistakes.